The other day I was looking in the mirror when out of nowhere this big wave of insecurity came up and nailed me in the face. OUCH. It hurt. As I stood on the other side of my reflection, my eyes went straight to the things I hated most.
My hair. Ugh.
These eyelashes that don't look right unless I'm wearing someone else's. (fake lashes people, don't get crazy).
My one crooked tooth that drives me insane.
The wrinkles that are starting to form around my eyes.
All of it. My eyes immediately go to the imperfections and then, the enemy attacks.
"Vanessa, look at you. Who do you think you are trying to be someone you're not? Who do you think you are trying to run a business like this? You look nothing like what you should and on top of that, you're insecure. You think God's got a plan for you? You think He cares about you? What's wrong with you...you don't look the part. You're imperfect, Vanessa. Keep your eyes on yourself. Keep working on yourself. Keeping running the rat race. Keep on trying to keep on with the way you look. That's right. Keep your eyes on the flaws..."
To say that his voice was a whisper would be doing it an injustice. It wasn't a whisper that day. It was a nasty, finger pointing, belittling, undermining YELL and the more I heard the accusations, the more I actually believed them.
The more my spirit sank.
Because, who AM I really? I can't do what God's asked me to do. I can't be who He's asked me to be.
I mean, look at me. So many imperfections.
Insecurity at it's finest.
I left the mirror that morning more discouraged than I'd been in a while and do you know where I was headed? I was headed straight to church. It was a Sunday morning when this happened and as I sat in the car, the kids in the back fighting, singing, laughing, just all the things, as I sat next to the most amazing, most kind hearted man, my husband, as we together drove to one of the biggest blessings in our lives, our home church, I took my insecurity to the Lord.
God, what do I do with this? My feelings are too much right now. I don't know how to pick myself up. I don't know how to feel with all of this insecurity in myself weighing so heavy on my mind.
And I waited.
And I waited some more until finally, I felt His nudge. That Holy Spirit nudge deep down in my own spirit to listen up.
As I kept my thoughts quiet to hear, I heard the Holy Spirit speak to me...
"You care way, WAY too much about yourself, Vanessa."
Wait, I must have misunderstood you God. This isn't the kind of comfort I was looking for. This doesn't make me feel that great, honestly. Can't you tell me that I'm good enough? That I'm beautiful enough? Where's the warm fuzzy stuff?
This word to me kinda hurts, God.
I kept hearing it though.
Vanessa, you care way too much about yourself. Your eyes are on yourself. Only centered on you, focused on your flaws, on your imperfections, on all things YOU and girlfriend, that's not why I sent my Son.
I didn't send my Son for you to continue to keep your eyes on yourself. I sent my Son to die for the imperfections. I sent my Son to die for you so that you can turn around and live your life for HIM, to reach others FOR Him.
But, how can you do this when you're consumed with yourself?
Life is not about you. It's about me. It's about Jesus. It's about impacting those around you and doing it through your imperfections.
God's word pierces through dark places, my sweet friend. It pierces through our own self centered-ness, it reminds us of why we exist and it lifts our eyes upward as it takes our eyes off of ourselves. In the end, keeping our eyes on ourselves only brings more insecurity, more struggle, more of things that keep us from our beautiful calling's in Christ. It's when our eyes are on HIM that we are truly filled with His Presence and joy. It's when we find our identities in who He has created us to be that we can truly begin living with a joy and peace unexplainable, one that's not dependent upon our outward appearance.
"I will lift my eyes up to the hills, for where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord." Psalms 121
"Then Jesus said unto His disciples, "If any man will come after me, let Him deny himself, and take up His cross and follow me. For whoever tries to save his life will end up losing it and whoever loses His life for my sake will actually FIND it." Matthew 10: 38-39
Take your eyes off yourself sweet girl and place them on your Creator. He knows what you need more than you do and when our eyes are locked into His, your imperfections become a tool to advancing the gospel and to finding the One who is PERFECT, the One who is ABOVE ALL.
Thank you God for your words to us, especially the one's that challenge us to admit when we're wrong. Those words are always hard, but at the end of the day, there the one's my heart loves the most.